the process in which I die to the doer
slowly realizing that nothing I do brings about resolution
in the end, all doings (mental and physical activities) temporarily sedate the uncomfortable experience, not resolve them
the same issues return dutifully daily
from the doer perspective these experiences look like a curse
but as I awaken being
I realize they are the gifts that assist me into awakening
awakening into the radiance of being
the magic of being
the immense power of being
being is not a noun, it is not a thing
it is a verb, it is a state in which I allow myself to feel without conditions
letting go of the mental stories and the physical activities
and just gently putting my attention on the felt signature of that uncomfortable experience
where do I feel that in my body? ok let me be with it… which brings part of my attention in the moment and “that is all the magic that one needs”
I’m beginning to experientially realize the value of being without condition, it is organically leading my life to real authentic changes.
-I’m not saying that I have brought resolution to all my issues yet…not even close but I’m beginning to see the consequences of this work(I will go into more detail at a later time when I gain more insight about it), and whats also interesting is that when I revisit Michael Brown’s “Enlivening Our State of Being” one on one talk interview on youtube, the messages are hitting me at a deeper level…now. because it’s resonating with from my own personal experience…
consistency and compassion is the key tho because these death like experiences feel like the end of the world and like I want to give up, even thoughts of ending my life, and everything is hopeless, and it feels endless, but I just sit with it and be with that experience, this is the point of crucification, the crown of thorn is placed on my head (this is realizing that no amount of thinking about it will accomplish anything), my hands and feet are nailed (the realization that I can’t do anything about it) I can’t run anywhere(that is where the saying “where ever we go, there we are” comes from) or try to fix it with doings (“fiddling with effects”), so at this point I just surrender to the full blown felt experience of whatever it is that is upsetting me.
continuously coming back to the felt aspect of it, again and again. consistently, responsibly, compassionately…
then suddenly, Boom. Without warning, something opens up. The negative thought pattern seems to quiet down a bit. I’m on the other side. or I feel it’s more accurate to say that… part of me is reborn. More Presence is harvested…
these are the experiences that are opening my eyes to the value of being.
but it’s these death experiences, part of me that clung to that thing dying, is exactly what makes this work not easy…
while in the death experience if feels as if I lost all of my faith. As if all the so called “inner work” I’ve done has accomplished nothing… feeling like I’ve been betrayed. I’m so occupied in the overwhelming energy of it, my whole world is dark. The energy of it impacts my thinking in a immensely depressing ways. And eventually I have no choice but to surrender to the experience (which is continuing to be with it, no matter what)
Eventually it passed… and on the other side I remember Michael Brown warning me about the challenge of this work, “That it’s deeply uncomfortable” and something along the lines of “It colors your whole perception of the world.”
Now I had some experiential understanding of what he was talking about here…
a glimpse into this death experience… What I experienced was that this insecurity I was dealing with was being reflected everywhere I looked, everything from TV shows to even on the faces of NBA basketball players, my whole world became a fearful world right before my eyes… and this overwhelming impulse to run from the experience…
now I’m starting to really “get” what Michael Brown meant by “emotional processing work is not easy” and I can begin to see why that is.