(Tightness in Solar Plexus) – “I want to be who i wanna be.” -Me
I want to be who I want to be… ask that part what’s stopping it from being that right now? – SPG
(Tightness in the groin) – “I hate being dictated who i am based on this topic of sex.” – Me
Ask that part which feels it’s being dictated who you are based on sexuality… whose dictating? What are the dictates? Whose voice is this giving the commands? It’s not you, who is it? Ask yourself what resources you would need to just be whoever the fuck you want when it comes to sex. -SPG
More self inquiry work with SPG, more “work” on learning more about me. I’m seeing…that there has been this part of me that’s been holding me back from my own sexuality, from my own free expression. This part of me, Often feeling “less than” to other men in my life with sexual confidence because I didn’t think I had the “validation” to be that guy. So in order to become the man I want to be I was reaching out to the world to pull in something to fill this void. I was learning all these great things involving personal development, to change myself to “get” women, so I can “be” that “guy”.
And even when I did attraction girls into my life, it felt like a lot of work, I was still not accepting myself as a sexual being, often thinking that I lack the experience therefor I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough. I would act in inauthentic ways, often feeling like I need to “do” something extra, “be” something different…practice more, get better, “collect” more validation from different women.
…well no amount of success with women was ever getting me anywhere as far as becoming the man I wanted to become. because…I had the key the whole time. I’m the solution I’ve been looking for all along. I AM the permission slip. Masters tell us to look within, “the answers are within”, “everything you’re looking for is already within you”, well I kinda knew this idea(importance of self love) but I never thought this could apply to sex and sexuality, …pretty crazy idea..how is “going within” going to bring me sexual fulfillment? what the fuck?… and there are also the “spiritual people” that say the ego and it’s desires are where all of the suffering comes from, “Detach from your ego!”, cool but I have some dreams I want to accomplish, how is this gonna help.
Thanks to people like SPG(http://thespgdiaries.blogspot.com/), Destin Gerek(http://www.eroticrockstar.com/about.html), and Barbra Carrellas (author of Urban Tantra,http://www.barbaracarrellas.com/) I’m realizing that yeah I am way bigger than my ego, in fact I am bigger than life! but at the same time I can appreciate and cherish my ego as it is right now and even strive to create a stronger ego for myself that is more in alignment with what I want. And this process doesn’t need any validation from the outside…it’s simply me fully becoming the godly creator that I am and creating the personality that I most want to present to the world. And my sexuality is MINE, and it doesn’t need a women or any circumstances… to be fully claimed and be freely expressed in the world. There is no reason not to celebrate my sexuality.
What’s been happening with this realization?
I notice more calm in me, more presence, I’m taking full deep breaths more and more through out the day, the deep belly breath, feeling so good to breath like that. Feeling confident and solid in who I am. and this is starting to feel so good, so right, and natural that I’m noticing when I tense my muscles, when I take shallow breaths. I’m putting my awareness more and more on my body, Barbra termed it as “dropping into the body”, I notice tightness, or tension and I release it (I feel them fully till it releases).
My voice is louder and more expressive, I’ve noticed this when I’m hanging out with my roommate Jack, who is this 6’3″ stud I live with, that’s always talking about his stories of fucking random bitches since his high school days. I’m seeing in the past I would sometimes see myself as inferior to him whenever the subject of sex was brought up and feel bad for myself that I’m not able to be that sexual confident guy. I’m acknowledging the part of me that’s failed to place the same value on myself. The tension that was there, I worked to release it. This one particular moment last week, when I was fully in my body, fully present with the feeling, the tension that was in my solar plexus, and I sat with it for several minutes, and I felt the tension more and more, it turned into this feeling of ball of energy, but heavy and tangled, move up slowly into my chest, my heart chakra, and it dissolved…into warmth & strength. I notice this past week I’m completely seeing myself as toe to toe with guys like this and other men in my life. It’s not a feeling of like me versus the other. But a feeling of joy and freedom to express myself in ways that I want, I’m thrilled to be able to own and celebrate my sexuality. My interactions with people are more light and relaxed. I am able to appreciate the value in others, instead of feeling like I need to prove something to them and overcome them. Jack and I just chilling and we’re now working on bringing this medical marijuana growing operation(all legal) to full effect and looking to make a lot of money from it. I am grateful for all the respect that these men in my life are showing me.
***I’m really enjoying the erotic self explorations that I’ve been doing as part of my Orgasmic Mastery Course Homework by Destin Gerek. It’s getting easier and easier to stay present and connected to the body and all the sensations. I’m actually feeling energy run down my legs and up my spine more and more now. I’m having these energetic bursts of pleasure in my chest sometimes, as the energy runs up from my groin. I wouldn’t call them full out, mind blowing orgasms, which I have not experienced yet but they are pleasurable. Pleasurable enough that I have not masturbated to porn in at least a months (ok I caved once within the month) but really most times I’m actually looking forward to doing erotic self explorations. Full attention on ME.
And women have been responding when I leave the house after these explorations (hitting direct eye contact, and this one girl gave me a shy smile and a “Hi” as I walked past her on the street). On top of that I’m practicing presence as I walk through my day and practicing bringing sexuality and my sexual energy into everything I do, “making love to the Universe”. Barbara Carrellas talks of this one incident in her book, Urban Tantra, where she is using breath to make love to the city of Sydney.
“One particularly delightful blissgasm sneaked up on me one stunningly beautiful morning in Sydney, Australia. I was out for a stroll in the city, breathing in the clean, cool air. feeling the intense, hot sun on my skin, and being so grateful to be alive and in that beautiful city on that beautiful day. I’ve always subscribed to the theory that if you make love to the universe, the universe will make love to you. So I began using several of my favorite Tantric techniques to circulate sexual energy between me and Sydney. Nothing I was doing was obvious to anyone on the street; I’m sure I appeared to be nothing more than a smiling, happier-than-usual woman on her way to the post office. I had no big expectation of any particular climax as a result of my lovemaking with the city of Sydney. I most surely had no expectation of any particular physical sensation. But before I knew it, a little blissgasm shivered up my spine, followed by an actual clitoral orgasm that washed up the front of my body. These two waves crashed together in my head. I was so amazed. I had to stop and lean against a wall-I’d had a walking orgasm!” – Barbara Carellas, Urban Tantra
I remember this one time this week, I felt energy run up my spine and burst as good feelings in my chest as I’m walking around downtown. It was cool.
This is only the beginning, I’m going to free write more on this sexual personality that I am creating for myself. Visualize more on this. Feel the feelings of being him, more and more.
So this past week…I caught a glimpses of my evolved self in my mind’s eye. He had this big grin on his face. He was wearing some cool ass clothes, kinda clothes fit for a rock star. He’s waiting for me. He’s telling me to take my time, which I have been with this self inquiry work with SPG. Only handing one self inquiry a day if that. Just taking my time, and enjoying the process.
Oh and this evolved self gave me a homework assignment!, he told me to “write down on a sheet of paper 10 awesome things about you as you are, right now”….later that day I easily came up with twenty. >:)