This is like a run down on how my coaching work with SPG has been going.
First I explained to him my current situation. For example, one of the sentence that I wrote to him was this.
“all my roommates have girl friends, I am single” – Me
SPG then invites me to go back and re-read my message…
“I invite you to revisit your email. Before you do that, however, I want you to take a moment to get grounded, breathe slowly and deeply, feel your breath massaging your lungs and feel what’s going on in your body. Give yourself five minutes to ground and let the “chattering monkeys” in your mind quiet down. In this embodied state, try re-reading your email slowly, outloud. See how each part lands for you – is there tightness? Where? Is there numbness? Where? Is there an opening? Where? Stick to physical sensations in your body. If what comes up is “nothing,” then that’s what you felt.
> So, when you have some time, take on that exercise and make a note of what you feel in your body at which points in your email. Don’t take it any further. Don’t try to assign a psychological feeling, or come up with an explanation. Don’t try to read my mind to ascertain the next step, just focus on this exercise. I believe you’ll find it to be a full exercise all by itself.” -SPG
So definitely, different parts of the message produced different feelings in my body, I went through and did this exercise like 4 times on different days. I tried my best to not falsely produce a feeling based on what my mind suspects and just read it out loud with just a discerning awareness on my body.
Different parts of my message which point to different situations in my life (including good things to frustrations & disappointments) produced a noticeable tension and tightness in different areas in my body, including tightness and/or heaviness in my chest(heart, 4th chakra), stomach(solar plexus, 3rd chakra), and groin(the sexual center, 2nd chakra).
So for this example the line, “all my roommates have girl friends, I am single” produced a tightness in my chest. And this happened on multiple occasions of doing this exercise.
So I sent him my self inquiry results, a report on all the different sensations and feelings that came up during this exercise.
SPG writes back…
“In most men, there is a disconnect between sexuality and the heart which shows up in the form of shame, blockages and inauthentic behavior. Since this process is about your own inquiry, I’d like you to use this information and feel through your original email and responses to your first self-inquiry. Feel into these places of tension and pain in your second, third and fourth chakras and speak to those places of tension. As them what they want to tell you and allow them to respond in their own way, which won’t be logical. -SPG
Let me know what comes up for you and we’ll take the next step.”
So I went back and felt into this tension in my chest, and allowed it to speak to me.
A voice came up.
“i hate feeling like my father”
A very unexpected response but that’s what came up, I started thinking about how this could have came up and the connection between my father and me being the single guy in my house.
Umm so mom and dad were arranged marriage, I grew up not seeing any sexual relating between them at all, mom would complain about dad a lot, dad would not express himself, he was withdrawn in the face of conflict and fights, if it wasn’t for the kids divorce would of probably happened, sometimes I would feel bad that they had to stay together through all the conflict in the sake of keeping the structure of “family” together, there was no juice in the relationship, romantic chemistry was not there…
It wasn’t all bad though, they were loving and caring to us and to each other more often than not but over the years I’ve made conclusions about my dad, and I’ve held a lot of resentment towards my dad.
So I’ve made connections about me being single as me being like my dad who I concluded as being “bad” with women.
SPG then responded with the next step of this process…
“I’m not going to get into detail about the circumstances of your upbringing, except to assume (and correct me if I’m wrong, because it makes a big difference in how we go forward) that your father loves you and did his best to raise you and care for you. I’m sensing a feeling of shame toward your father.
While you are unique, there is a part of your father in you, both genetically and spiritually. You may not want to be your father, and he made mistakes. Lord knows my dad made mistakes, as have I as a father. Part of self-acceptance is being a yes to what is. Your father is your father, he is a part of you. You have dreams for yourself that are different than him, and you can honor your dreams, your higher self, while also honoring your father, and the part of your father that’s inside you.
The practice for this is one of being a yes. Meditate on gratitude and honor for your father, whatever faults he might possess. Accept him as he is, accept life as it is, appreciate him for who he is, and find gratitude in his contribution to your life. Without him, you would not exist.
After you have found an appreciation for your father, go inside and talk to the part of yourself that is your father. Ask him to come forward. Give him love and acceptance. Thank him for being a part of you, be grateful that he is a part of you. Welcome him into your life, just as he is.
You may find this part to be a little intense. Take your time. Keep breathing energy in on your inhale – breathe deeply, into your belly, seated upright, feet firmly on the ground – and releasing tension and negative feelings in your exhale. Welcome him more and more, love and thank him more and more. Keep breathing, keep feeling. Eventually, that tightness will go away and you’ll feel a stillness as the feelings work their way through. At that point, thank this part of you, ask him if he has anything to share with you, note what he says, say goodbye and return to your space.” -SPG
Reading this was pretty fucking heavy…made A LOT of sense to me.
I proceeded to mediate on this…
The mindset approach is: “Yes my father is the way he is and I can and will accept that just the way he is and his place in my life”, in meditation I saw past his personality, I saw the same inner core, that divine light within, the same indestructible light that I saw in myself. I saw my dad as a strong, divine being doing what he needs to do on this earth and doing it in perfection. His soul was here living out its own purposes and he personally was doing the best he could. I saw him as a child with his own hopes and dreams, and I could see all the BS he has accumulated from the environment and I understood all the personality “shortcomings” weren’t really his, it’s not even his fault that it’s there, and it’s not even who he really is. I honored his bravery for his willingness to take himself into the dark, and still be able to support and love the family the way he did. I focused on honoring his light and bringing a feeling of deep appreciation and love for my dad. As I do this, I’m realizing more and more that my dad is far more greater of a person than I gave him credit for. There are many many things to be grateful about in my dad and his contribution to my life. I had reels of images in my mind of when he demonstrated being a man, being a gentlemen, being the provider, being the leader, being love and expressing it, some images of me and my dad sharing moments of joy together. My heart beats harder, I’m focusing and feeling all the sensations in my chest deeper and deeper. Breathing deeply…
I then proceeded to access the part of me that is my father, I asked him to come forward. I got a visual image of a little younger version of myself in a white t-shirt, he looked a little upset, The feeling in my chest is now getting heavier and heavier, intensifying more and more. As I focus in on the feeling more and more, the feeling is getting sharper…now there’s like a sharp needle like pains in my chest and I’m bringing more and more love and acceptance to this part of me. I kept breathing deeply into it, and I kept feeling the feelings harder and harder. And then there came a point where the sharp pains begin to dissipate and the tension in my chest slowly beginning to ease and transform into this warm feeling, as I breathed into it more and more the heaviness begins to lift and I can now vaguely see this kid in the white t-shirt looking happier and happier.
Then suddenly I notice there is just this good feeling in my chest, the pains have completely dissipated…I could feel this “openness” in my chest. I then ask this kid if he had anything to share with me.
And he said, “I just wanted to be acknowledged and loved. Finally! Thank you.”
Not really sure if the release has completely worked or not, but feeling extremely tired & drained, I roll over into my bed and go into a deep slumber for 3 hours.
I wake up and I’m feeling kinda good in my chest, and I just seem to have good feelings about my dad whenever I thought about him, and when I would conjure up the image of the kid in the white t-shirt, he seem to have a gentle smile on his face. I just felt better overall.
I did this release exercise more than a week ago…so now I again tried to go into this exercise…I noticed that there just isn’t that heaviness in the chest anymore for this particular topic, I can’t feel that intense, needle like pains in my chest anymore when I access the kid in the white T, the part of me that’s my father…hmmm something must of happened here…has crazy shit happened in my reality to reflecting this change? Not really, but there seem to be a re frame of how I feel about my dad…a feeling of “yes” to my dad and his part in my life. Through out the week, I noticed sometimes I would just feel proud about myself whenever I noticed some good qualities of my dad in me. A new trigger to a good feeling.. Subtle but I did notice.
A seed of gratitude and appreciation for my dad and for the part of me that’s my dad…has been planted and it’s beginning to take root and sprout. It shall grow in time.
A shift from running away from parts of me that’s my father, to loving and accepting that part of me. A shift from shame to honor for my dad. From resentment to love. “I love you, dad.” I’m starting to realize that.
This I will come to know as my first work of self inquiry & release. A journey towards love and acceptance. A journey towards my evolved self. M o r e. t o. c o m e.