I’m really seeing how most of my behavior is reactive… the smallest trigger could set me off to telling “stories” about it and the stories become so convincing that they force me into action. This seems like these episodes of reactive outbursts are happening more often these days, but I assume they’ve been happening all my life, I’m just becoming more aware of them.
This reactive behavior and addiction to negative thought patterns, has been for a long time a great source of frustration and hopelessness, despite all my efforts to “change” this predicament, I seem to addictively “cling” / attach myself to them over and over again, seemingly out of my control. Even if I intellectually know that such behavior is hurtful to me and others, I seem to re-act the negative drama over and over again.
My next realization has been that underlying this reactive behavior, there is a uncomfortable feeling to it. This leads me to my next realization that I’ve been having recently is that, looking past on my life with the eyes of felt perception, which means simply seeing how this uncomfortable feeling has been with me through out all my life from childhood, I realize that much of my life has not changed. Meaning despite the changes in the surroundings and the stories, the underlying feeling component of it has repeated over and over again. It’s also this feeling that has driven me to “fix” myself, get into personal development, doing affirmations, actively pursuing something outside of myself so I can feel better.
Hence, most of my behavior has been reactive.
Realizing the most of my life nothing has really changed, is a daunting realization but I hope that this is the portal awakening me to real authentic shifts… for the first time in my life.
first step is getting very real. what I mean by that is. Getting real with what I am feeling in each and every moment. And becoming responsible for what I’m feeling which means to adopt a responsive behavior. Realizing that I’m responsible for what I am feeling.
The challenge has been the sheer addictive-ness of these triggers, they quite literally feel like attacks on my mental / emotional states. Seemingly coming out of nowhere and even when I’m most vulnerable.
Michael Brown illustrates this occurance beautifully in the article: WELCOME TO THE “ICU” Part I: Skimming The Surface
At first (when I was first getting into the Presence Process) I didn’t pay that much attention to this phenomenon of parasitic entities, but after months of actively exploring my feeling body and witnessing myself over and over again getting triggered into completely unconscious reactive behaviors without much of my control, I’m starting to take this article much more seriously. Seeing how many of my upsets came as thought forms that trigger me into telling stories about it and reacting to it. I’m beginning to leave room for the possibility of the existence of parasitic entities… as creepy as that sounds
Practicing ICU consistently I’m beginning to experience it’s fruits. Instances where I catch myself in the midst of “seeing” the presence of the uncomfortable feeling and catching it with the light of my awareness. I still do get smacked around into unconsciousness quite a lot still but at least now I have the tools that lead me to more and more balance.
Today I typed in “Presence” on youtube and clicked “Presence in Relationship” by Eckart Tolle. Mind you this is the first Eckart video I’ve seen in a very long time, And in this video Eckart is talking about the exact same thing Michael talks about…about these parasitic entities. It was amazing to hear another’s perspective on it. And it was even more amazing because it is exactly what I’m going through at the moment… I love the humor that Eckart puts into this… Just the fact that Michael and Eckart is pointing at the same truth is giving me renewed faith in this approach to this inner battle.