Reminding myself of who I really am

I’ve been feeling a little off in the past couple of days.  Even though I’ve had good times during our first tailgate party at Michigan State University, socializing and stuff… I felt I should be better… I felt like the old self a lot of times and found myself with the old thought patterns and felt a lot of doubt come up over everything.  I felt like I was “backsliding”… noticing this made me even more sad and frustrated.

I  felt like there was a lot of releasing to do, you just sort of feel it in your body, emotions are there and they are sort of locked up in the body.  Your body doesn’t feel too good, and there is a lack of stillness inside.  So after coming back to my parents house for labor day (like an hour away from my house at the University), I did some “house cleaning”.  I filled a bath tub and let out several shouts under water as loud as I can… Immediately I was feeling better.

But the real break through came last night when I was guided to read SPG’s (Rhett Bise) material once again.  His rough draft copy of his new eBook that is coming out soon.

In Chapter Four, titled… “You Are Not Who You Think You Are”

Basically the lesson is the “old Identity” that I’ve been so attached to and fighting desperately to overcome and “heal” is not really even ME.  The beliefs, fears, doubts, and wishes of mine aren’t really even my thoughts… They are someone else’s thoughts.  It’s programming from the environment.

My real core essence is beyond all of this…

“There is a real you witnessing those thoughts.  You are not your identity, or the sum of your actions.  There is a divine essence that transcends all thought, all ego, and all actions.”

Wow so many times I’ve felt so tied down to my actions, believing them to be so real, so part of who I am, that it became concrete as a brick wall, feeling trapped inside… and not able to see myself as anything different than my past… my past actions.

I’ve had this breakthrough couple months ago, but going back and re-reading this material again added a whole new dimension of flavor.  It was really sinking deep into my core, because deep inside I know this to be 100% TRUE.

Now this next part has to do with how we form the limiting beliefs about ourselves, which isn’t real… at all.  It’s all distorted perception of what we believe to be real.  Bashar tells us “Existence has no built in meaning, only the meaning which you give it.”

“What “you” are right now is this divine, amazing man covered up with layers upon layers of bullshit that others gave you, and which you largely accepted unwittingly.  Your view of yourself is partly your perception of how things are, based upon the accumulation of BS in your life, your acceptance of the world’s view of you, which is a product of everybody else’s BS, and also your distorted perception of the world’s behavior toward you.

Do you realize that all the negative beliefs you hold about yourself are false?  Not only that, they’re not even YOUR beliefs?  And the “evidence” you have to reinforce these negative beliefs isn’t true either.  You see yourself as “unattractive,” for example, but how can that be true?  Think about that.  It’s only true when you show up in the world ASKING for people to see you as unattractive.

Don’t believe me?  Think back to a time you found yourself attracted to a woman who didn’t meet the standard notion of “attractive.”  Remember how she just refused to accept that she was anything less than a hottie.  She let her spirit inside shine, she gave herself full permission to be sexy, was carefree and oblivious to what society thought.  As far as she was concerned, she was in charge of telling society that she was a hot, sexy woman… and it worked.  You felt physical attraction, and maybe even found yourself wondering why.

How about instead asking “why not?”

That woman at her core is no different than you.  The only difference is she was either blessed with a pure connection to her essence, or she somehow figured it out along the way.  She gave up living someone else’s life and created a sexy identity for herself that required no agreement from the rest of the world.  And when that happens, the world has no choice but to move into agreement.” -Spg

I’ve meditated on this for a while, and I’m totally starting to get it… It is a HUGE realization and a big shift in my sense of identity.  The old identity feels like I AM the wounded person in the past that needs healing, strong attachment to who I have been, and this fixation on the Linear Approach to this journey.

But this new realization feels like I’m this indestructible, divine essence that’s only in the present moment that is free from the old identity.  In fact, the old identity that I’ve been so attached to and believing as ME, is starting to feel very fake and inauthentic.  Like who I thought I was has been borrowed by other people…  I see that from this sense of self the journey is very non-Linear, meaning it’s not about holding on to the old identity of the past that believes it needs healing, it’s about starting to believe that the old identity wasn’t me anyway.  and so the “healing” process is letting go of what’s not me.

Again I feel the same sort of excitement I felt several months back when I had this realization, but this time I’m having a much stronger sense of who I really am.

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