Tears part of the journey…

Experiencing weepy emotions for no reason lately, and finally some tears are brimming to the surface, crying authentically alone for no reason alone.   It’s been months (maybe about 5 to 6?) since I started the Presence Process and it’s been a hard journey (from the emotional pain I feel inside to the events in my life that’s triggering these pains) but what I can’t deny is that it’s been real.

I have done my best to stay consistent and committed to this work, and I’ve never really experienced tears before…Maybe my awareness is finally hitting the emotional realm… because now tears are coming when I attend to my breathing/containment sessions.  I have not yet had the experience of “wallowing in tears feeling the grief of the cosmos” but I’ve had 3 occurrence in this past week alone where I felt real grief accompanied by few trails of tears.

What initially brought this tear up for me was this feeling of the child-like self within me that was heart broken and trying so hard to be accepted in the world.

I didn’t even “try”/”force” to make this happen through visualization or anything, this feeling just came up spontaneously in the moment while breathing, and I felt the pain, I felt the innocence of this child and it’s hurt, and it made me cry.

What I pray for now is that…

I can see all aspects of my life experience as valid.

and thus required.

and that I gain enough wisdom to discern between my wants and my requirements.

and finally get to the place where I want only what is required.

easier said than done.  This has been the most challenging part of the journey.

This excerpt below is from Michael Brown’s Q&A Blog.

” Also, not accepting our unfolding emotional experiences when we move through this procedure, and as a consequence of having done so, as valid, and instead behaving as if things should be unfolding differently, is the same as not accepting the condition of our inner child . This realization is key. Only when we are authentically interacting with our outer life experiences and the emotional states they trigger within us as if they are valid are we simultaneously being unconditional with our inner child self. To say that we are opening our arms unconditionally to the hurting inner child [the unintegrated emotional body], and in the same breath to behave as if our life experience should be unfolding differently and we should not be experiencing so much emotional turmoil, is a contradiction. Your emotional state right now is valid – whether it is fearful, angry, of full of grief. Being with it without condition – as best as you can right now – is the same as being with your inner child without condition.”

Hopefully I can integrate this teaching, I can conceptually begin to get this mentally, but I need to really integrate it through experience..

If the child like aspect of us is the creator, than being unconditional with our child self is the same as being unconditional with our outer life experiences and the emotional states they trigger,  because the outer life experience is the mirror of the child self…. I just had this aha moment with this realization…  It’s as if the child self is using the outer world to get my attention to go inwards and love aspects of itself that needs attention.

When behaving  as if something happening in the outer world is not suppose to be happening, is the same as not accepting our child like self.

My only requirement is that I ‘be’ with what is, the felt resonance of the unfolding moment, exactly as it is, without attempting to alter it physically, mentally, emotionally.

Again this is very challenging because I have been taught to believe that these feelings are “wrong”, “weak”, “not suppose to be happening”, etc.  and all our institutions tell us we have to be a certain way, we have to be cool, “confident”, happy which invalidates our experience when we are feeling afraid, insecure, and full of grief.

I’ve failed numerously at containing these feelings without reacting to them, but slowly I can feel that my capacity of containment and response is increasing, I’m able to contain more without treating these feeling as something wrong but rather gently placing my attention on them and allowing them to be while I move through my day.  I still catch my self trying to get rid of these feelings, even using “being without condition” as a means to get rid of them but this too is valid and required, they are my “stepping stones to mastery” as Michael puts it.