The more I explore my ideal self, the more pictures I make in my mind about my ideal self, the more I sense, and feel some of those qualities growing within me, and sometimes surfacing outwards, and I think damn I just did that? that was me? YES that’s me!
But at the same time, as much things are going right, more things I’m noticing that’s HOLDING ME BACK, there’s still parts of me that’s holding on to that doubt, and that judgement about myself. This has been going on for such a long time… It’s been sooo damn pervasive as part of my identity it has become like the air I breathe. It’s coming up still even though I felt like I tapped on it, and sometimes I think when will I ever get over with my insecurities and just let it all go, will it ever happen? what is it going to take? and it has gotten a lot better as I persistently tap/let go/get in touch with my feelings… but there’s this part of me that’s growing very very tired and frustrated, that I still feels so tied down to this negative psychic weight. Despite all these things coming up, I went to the bar Last night with the roommates, got really hammered drunk, had a nice conversation with a girl, even walked with her home, but I fucked it up, I lost the connection, I fucked myself over, that thing that I keep judging myself on came up, because I’ve been practicing on it to myself, suddenly I’m not feeling whole, I’m getting needy, I’m lacking self love, this may be due to being pretty intoxicated which seem to bring me to bad places if the energy is directed badly, and I really need to ease on getting “fucked up”. I discarded all the things that was awesome about that night, and focused on what didn’t go right. And I saw the faith in myself and who I want to become dwindle…
This morning I got up and I finished my video I was making of Destin Gerek’s interview clips I found very inspirational, I wanted to make the video to serve as a reminder for myself, and possibly other people can find value in them as well.
And it really comes down to simply self love, or lack of self love. And becoming whole and complete in myself and feeling good about who I am. And I began reading Rhett’s old diaries specifically January 2010 archive where he is talking about the breakthroughs he is having by exploring moving sexual energy: http://thespgdiaries.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html
and I remember great things that was happening when I was actively exploring that myself…I sort of stopped. I’m inspired to play with it again.
So what to do when Faith dwindles… I say screw that… I’m not doing that. I came back to the breath, payed attention to what I was feeling in my body, and tapped / released some of those emotions away. This attitude shift alone created some interesting shift in my energy. And I began asking better questions for myself. What would it be like to move and play with my own sexual energy like SPG was explaining? What would it be like to really let go of those things that’s been plaguing me? What would it feel like? What would it look like?